The Cycle
As I stood in the department head's kitchen this past Saturday, I had the startling realization that I recognized few of the faces around me. Many people had left; many people had recently arrived. It's all part of the constant cycle of academia, and I had experienced it a little bit each year, but this time it made a strong impression. It was akin to knowing you're getting older and older each year, but then looking into the mirror and wondering who the old person is who is staring right back at you. In this case, though, I was the 7th year in the corner, holding a glass of wine and waiting until my obligation was over and I could sneak out the door.
I felt obligated because our current department head and his wife have always been good for me (she works in a related department, and I TAed for her one semester--we've been close since). I wanted to say hi to their son and their giant malamute. I also knew there would be alcohol and good food, and I felt I deserved it after the trouble my dissertation has been giving me this week.
Two friends had come with me. One is a cohort mate: we share and adviser and our research is tangentially related. The other graduated a few years ago but still works in the university--he's also married to my best friend here. We've worked together a lot over the last few years; we've also had a lot of fun together.
It didn't keep the department event from being a little painful, though. (The wine helped, but only slightly). Every so often a long-tenured professor or third- or fourth-year would come up to one of them to talk about academic stuff. I constantly found myself taking those moments to slip away.
"How was your field work?" Oh, hey, look at that veggie plate.
"What year do people usually decide their dissertation topic?" Whaddaya know, there's no more wine in my glass.
"What are you teaching for the semester? Oh, how's that going?" That cheesecake looks delicious. I'm lactose intolerant, but that seems much more enjoyable than this exchange.
Each year's cycle of new students and new professors has stated to bring with it a cycle of loathing. First it was just annoyance with a few of the department blowhards. Then department policies. Each year, layers were peeled away, revealing new unpleasantness in this R1 department. Now, as I sit here, working on my dissertation, I often find myself resenting the subject itself. What was once the joyful pursuit of knowledge is now the grind to put words to paper, because each word brings me one step closer to finally escaping.
This blog will serve as a way for me to put down my thoughts, work through my problems and concerns, and fight the frustration and (sometimes) despair that continues to arise as I finish my PhD. I should be prepping for the academic job market, but there's increasing evidence that the job I had spent the last (nearly) nine years preparing for is disappearing fast, and not as rewarding as I had thought it would be. Academia is increasingly becoming more and more like a poisoned swamp to me, and as I have shared these thoughts with trusted friends, I have found that they are beginning to to think the same things. Is this everywhere? Is it just us? I don't know. But, hopefully, as I reflect on my time as a PhD student and talk about my move across the country and search for a career elsewhere, I can find the answers to some of my questions. Join me here every Wednesday, if you're interested in watching me as I try to break this cycle.
Days: 85
Progress: 46.9% complete
I felt obligated because our current department head and his wife have always been good for me (she works in a related department, and I TAed for her one semester--we've been close since). I wanted to say hi to their son and their giant malamute. I also knew there would be alcohol and good food, and I felt I deserved it after the trouble my dissertation has been giving me this week.
Two friends had come with me. One is a cohort mate: we share and adviser and our research is tangentially related. The other graduated a few years ago but still works in the university--he's also married to my best friend here. We've worked together a lot over the last few years; we've also had a lot of fun together.
It didn't keep the department event from being a little painful, though. (The wine helped, but only slightly). Every so often a long-tenured professor or third- or fourth-year would come up to one of them to talk about academic stuff. I constantly found myself taking those moments to slip away.
"How was your field work?" Oh, hey, look at that veggie plate.
"What year do people usually decide their dissertation topic?" Whaddaya know, there's no more wine in my glass.
"What are you teaching for the semester? Oh, how's that going?" That cheesecake looks delicious. I'm lactose intolerant, but that seems much more enjoyable than this exchange.
Each year's cycle of new students and new professors has stated to bring with it a cycle of loathing. First it was just annoyance with a few of the department blowhards. Then department policies. Each year, layers were peeled away, revealing new unpleasantness in this R1 department. Now, as I sit here, working on my dissertation, I often find myself resenting the subject itself. What was once the joyful pursuit of knowledge is now the grind to put words to paper, because each word brings me one step closer to finally escaping.
This blog will serve as a way for me to put down my thoughts, work through my problems and concerns, and fight the frustration and (sometimes) despair that continues to arise as I finish my PhD. I should be prepping for the academic job market, but there's increasing evidence that the job I had spent the last (nearly) nine years preparing for is disappearing fast, and not as rewarding as I had thought it would be. Academia is increasingly becoming more and more like a poisoned swamp to me, and as I have shared these thoughts with trusted friends, I have found that they are beginning to to think the same things. Is this everywhere? Is it just us? I don't know. But, hopefully, as I reflect on my time as a PhD student and talk about my move across the country and search for a career elsewhere, I can find the answers to some of my questions. Join me here every Wednesday, if you're interested in watching me as I try to break this cycle.
Days: 85
Progress: 46.9% complete
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